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A Farewell to Ducks: A Cellblock Eulogy

duckhunt

Dear Anaheim,

It’s been fun, but we have to move on…

Your fail-whale of a season culminated on Sunday after being knocked out of the playoffs by a team that had never even forced an elimination game, much less won a round. Yet, you managed to do what Jim Balsillie was never able to do…you forced the Predators to relocate…to the second round.

While Charlie Sheen is making headlines for his dedication to “winning”, the team named after what is perhaps his brother’s most famous vehicle did nothing but lose.

Why did you fail? I’ll tell you…

  • Dan Ellis. The former Pred lasted about half a game before being chased and relegated to the “Oh absolutely” seat for the remainder of the first round. Please note – no NHL team with Dan Ellis on the active roster has ever made it past the first round.
  • Corey Perry. You glorious turd. Who is scared of garden gnomes? Who spears a goalie in the crotch? Kevin Klein beat you down. You have the entire offseason to think about that.
  • George Parros. The only part of your game to show up was your mustache. Even our goalie outscored you.
  • The Flying V. If you’re not going to use your signature play, how do you expect to win?
  • Take the fall. Act hurt. Get indignant. It didn’t work when your coach was Gordon Bombay. It’s not going to work now. This is the National Hockey League, not a diving team. Get up and skate!
  • Ray Emery. Your five hole is showing.
  • Bobby Ryan. What exactly did you think was going to happen? Freaking cake eater.
  • Bob Murray. The world’s tiniest violin is playing for you right now. Let me guess, the lady who you threw the chair at took a dive, too.
  • Jeff Miller. Here’s something Anaheim has that Nashville doesn’t: open dates at the Honda Center.
  • D3. You’re telling me that a team that wins the U18 World Championships (or whatever it is in the movie) can’t even crack the roster at a high school in Minnesota?
  • Anaheim’s marketing staff. Perhaps you should have told your fans about the playoffs…or at least given them the correct dates. They still haven’t shown up.
  • Andreas Lilja. He rarely appeared at all. He just kept hearing footsteps and beard hair…
  • Honda Center. Also known as the morgue where Lindsay Lohan will be doing her community service. Someone needs to give the Honda Center a jumpstart.

In conclusion, it’s been fun, Anaheim, but we’ve got bigger and better fish – or Wings – to fry. In the meantime, feel free to keep practicing your swing…I hear the golf in Southern California is lovely this time of year.

Have a quacktastic summer.

Love,

Smashville.

PS. SOB has a message for you.

IMAGE CREDIT: Rachel Addison

33 Comments

  1. Dawson Higgs

    April 25, 2011 at 10:39 pm

    haha, that’s great…especially like throwing in the SOB scoreboard shot at the end. Go Preds!!!

  2. Brian

    April 25, 2011 at 10:55 pm

    Have to add one more to this, cause let’s face it, it’s too funny not to! When Wild Wing (Their sad mascot) attempted to jump through a “wall of fire” he HIT the wall, rather than going over it. The story goes that they practiced the stunt over and over to make sure they got it right, but there was one teeny tiny little problem, THEY NEVER PRACTICED IT ON ICE! So, when he attempted the stunt (a simple jump over a short wall) he slipped, and fell INTO the wall. Ya just gotta love these guys!

  3. Jdubs

    April 25, 2011 at 10:55 pm

    Gold. Pure gold.

  4. Brian

    April 25, 2011 at 10:58 pm

    Also, I think they’re the only team to actually have a statue of their MASCOT outside the arena!

  5. Jason

    April 25, 2011 at 11:13 pm

    Ummm, as a Ducks fan, this wasn’t even funny. No offense, but some (most) of that didn’t even make sense. Case and point… “Ray Emery. Your five hole is showing.” No it’s not. You guys didn’t beat him five hole. You scored 1 five hole goal according to CBS Sports game tracker. If that’s a weak five hole, Pekka Rinne has a weak five whole too because we got at least one that way. You didn’t beat him five hole. The five hole is between the legs in case you didn’t know that. You beat him laterally. If you’re going to talk about dives and such, maybe you should talk about faking high sticks. Your argument would work a lot better that way. Just sayin’, Better luck next time.

    • Brad615

      April 26, 2011 at 12:14 am

      Hey Jason, your 5 hole is showing.

      • Jason

        April 26, 2011 at 12:25 am

        That was a good one. That made almost as much sense as the original joke! Nicely done. :)

        • Brad615

          April 26, 2011 at 1:13 am

          Still showing.

    • Patten Fuqua

      April 26, 2011 at 9:08 am

      I could explain to you what a “taunt” is and I could tell you about how people have these things called “hips” and how Ray Emery had an injured one…

      But instead, I direct you to Mr. O’Brien’s message.

      • Jason

        April 26, 2011 at 12:15 pm

        You finally won a series and now you act like you rule the world. Please… Most Pred fans won with some class and realize they’ve only won a single playoff round now. I see that most those people aren’t here though.

        • Patten Fuqua

          April 26, 2011 at 12:41 pm

          Troll harder, please.

  6. Brian

    April 25, 2011 at 11:17 pm

    Wow Jason, sore loser?

  7. Jason

    April 25, 2011 at 11:19 pm

    Actually, far from it Brian. I’m just pointing out the fact that the article was far from the truth in many ways. If you’re going to make fun or something, at least have a little bit of a clue of what you’re talking about. Ray Emery’s five hole? Really? Please…

  8. Brian

    April 25, 2011 at 11:21 pm

    It’s called a joke, learn to take one. It doesn’t have to state perfect fact, just be funny. Let’s say Emery: your glove side is showing. See? Not quite so funny.

  9. Jason

    April 25, 2011 at 11:23 pm

    I understand what a joke is. But a joke has to have some form of logic for it to be funny. That it did not. But I guess I should just play along. Oh my gosh! Emery’s five hole was showing all series! Good gracious that’s funny! Holy cow! Good freakin’ stuff, Champ!

  10. Jason

    April 25, 2011 at 11:46 pm

    If you were going to come up with something funny, couldn’t you have done something more along the lines of…

    Francois Beauchemin – If you’re going to pummel someone in the neutral zone with a big hit, make sure it’s not your teammate. Right, Lubomir Visnovsky?

    Brad Winchester – If you’re going to get called for high sticking. At least high stick him. Don’t let Smithson sell it that bad. Get your money’s worth.

    C’mon. That’s funny stuff right there. You’re gonna have to do better than what you put.

    • Patten Fuqua

      April 26, 2011 at 7:35 am

      Who ordered the weak sauce?

  11. Brian

    April 25, 2011 at 11:52 pm

    See? It is funny! I knew you’d see the humor in it!

  12. Brian

    April 25, 2011 at 11:55 pm

    Yeah, like the Ducks spearing our goalie, or stomping on skates, or everything else you guys did. Yeah, really funny. Troll.

    • Jason

      April 25, 2011 at 11:58 pm

      Okay. If you say so. Sorry I pointed out how inaccurate his attempt at being funny was. I’ll just leave it be in future.

      • Codey Holland

        April 26, 2011 at 8:55 am

        U MAD?

        SOB’s message in the text should make you feel better.

  13. John

    April 26, 2011 at 7:57 am

    Hey Jason, your cry baby hole is showing.

  14. Jason

    April 26, 2011 at 10:19 am

    I guess I’ll just stick to OtF if I want to talk with Pred fans who have any clue what they’re talking about. Better luck next time Patten at writing something that’s funny.

    • Patten Fuqua

      April 26, 2011 at 10:22 am

      Good luck in the next round of the…oh wait…

      • Jason

        April 26, 2011 at 12:16 pm

        Good one! Hahaha!!! That’s so funny!!!!!

  15. Bruce

    April 26, 2011 at 10:22 am

    @Jason – Your *** is bleeding. And as you point out that is in your 5 hole… So your 5 hole is bleeding. Maybe Brad Winchester can try to high stick you in the crotch, that might stop the bleeding. Enjoy the rest playoffs from your couch, with your box of tampons.

    • Bruce

      April 26, 2011 at 11:59 am

      Boo for censorship! I replace *** with lady parts.

      • Jason

        April 26, 2011 at 12:17 pm

        Speaking of staying classy…

        • Bruce

          April 26, 2011 at 12:24 pm

          Wasn’t trying to have class… but thanks for pointing that out.

  16. Justin Bradford

    April 26, 2011 at 10:46 am

    I’m going to sell some golf balls used in the month of April for charity…any chance someone could travel East to West for me and get Emery to sign them?

  17. Mark Hollingsworth

    April 26, 2011 at 11:55 am

    Hilarious, Patten. Here’s hoping that every subsequent Preds victory from here on out will feel like a stick to the crotch for Perry.

  18. Dylan76

    April 26, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    Jason, if you didn’t want to read about how your team lost and your goalies 5 hole was showing why did you read all that and take the time to comment and argue with everyone??? maybe you should put your big boy panties on and get over it…

  19. MCmindset

    April 26, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    Oh Absolutely! Jason just go to the Ducks fan site… oh wait… all they have is a facebook page dedicated to blaming the refs for their failures