Pre-Game Smack Talk: Anaheim Ducks

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Gunnar Stahl Weeps For You

The team is named after a Disney movie. Not just any Disney movie – a Disney movie starring Emilio Estevez.

Naming a team after a vehicle for Charlie Sheen’s less successful brother? Duh…losing.

And while we’re on The Mighty Ducks. Have you ever noticed that the “Flying V” comes in offside every time? Every damn time. See here: he’s already crossed the blue line before the shot of him getting the puck. That means he’s a good foot or two offside when he gets the puck. There’s blood on your hands, Gordon Bombay.

Also, can we mention how insanely and totally illegal this play is?

Your team was named after a bunch of cheaters. A bunch of cheaters coached by a drunk.

Anaheim fans?

Most other teams who win the Cup have fans that come from far and wide to remind you that they won the Stanley Cup and you did not.

Never once have a heard an Anaheim fan do this. Probably because I’ve never actually seen an Anaheim fan in the wild. In fact, I’ve never seen an Anaheim fan on the Internet. I know hockey fans are allowed to travel outside the state of California – I see Sharks fans in Nashville and I see Kings fans in Nashville. However, never once have I laid my eyes on a Ducks fan. I’m sure they exist though, because I’ve seen them on television.

They’re the kind of classy folk that do this when offered a free hockey stick by one of their players. That’s right – what better way to celebrate your victory and the visit by one of your players than to beat the living crap out of each other? These people are the ones in the high dollar seats. You can only imagine what kind of anarchic chaos occurs in the nether-regions of the Honda Center.

So either Anaheim fans don’t travel or they are so unobnoxious that you never notice them when they do. Since the latter is a lot less fun, I’m going to go with the first assumption – that Anaheim fans beat the crap out of each other so thoroughly at their own home games that they are either too hurt or too incarcerated to travel.

Specialists and Experts

Dan Ellis is too easy of a target. The former Predators goalie left Twitter in a blaze of…something…at the end of last season. He informed the world that he deserves his high salary because he is a specialist. He also informed the world that Paris Hilton is a specialist. Also, despite having such a high salary that he deserves, he does not make enough money and he worries about it. Also, he dislikes fans disagreeing with him and thinks that players on other teams are classless. Dan has lots of problems: Pekka Rinne, Escrow, GAA, the Eastern Conference, Jonas Hiller, Dwayne Roloson, Starbucks running out of Tibetan Yak milk, having to pay travel expenses for his butler twice in the last year…so we don’t feel like we should pick on a man with the problems that Dan has. So Dan, we’re going to let you off the hook… we won’t mention that you blatantly attacked fans on Twitter. We won’t mention that the only thing you specialized in during your last season in Nashville was sitting on the bench, watching Pekka play and saying, “Oh absolutely,” a lot. We won’t mention the idiocy of complaining about your finances to people who could take decades to make what you make in one year. We won’t mention any of that Dan, because we’re not classless…and we know how you hate people who are classless.

As for Andy Sutton…yes. Yes, I am an expert. Yes, I’m telling you.

Seriously…

You named your team after movies that featured the dude from Dawson’s Creek. Come on.

8 Comments

  1. stevio51

    March 23, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    Speaking of the flying v, what strategic advantage does it bring? My coaches always said, “don’t bunch up around the puck.” Bombay is such a hoser.

    • Patten Fuqua

      March 23, 2011 at 4:28 pm

      Probably why they didn’t bring him back for D3. You can only survive so long on gimmick plays before everyone catches up.

  2. JWIMHB

    March 24, 2011 at 9:18 am

    This is a classic from a random forum i used to frequent that this reminded me of

    Is Mighty Ducks 2 the most unrealistic movie of all-time?
    Let’s break it down.
    1st—You have a team which wins some little Pee Wee Little League Hockey City championship and then is promoted to “Team USA”

    2nd—This “Team USA” is famous as s**t. Maybe it is just me but I have never noticed the US Junior Olympic Hockey team on a Wheeties Box, on SportsCenter, or above the fold on USA Today

    3rd—Their arch rival is Iceland. Do not know 1 hockey player from there.

    4th—They are made up of the most ludicrous set of players of all time. 2 girls, a hispanic, 2 african americans (1 of whom they pick up mid tournament after watching him play pick up hockey while touring South Central LA. That’s right…LA. The winter games are being held in LA), and a dang Cowboy. Not exactly the demographics of hockey.

    5th—Not that this even needs to be mentioned but the “knuckle puck”

    • JR

      March 24, 2011 at 2:21 pm

      As a student of the Mighty Duck’s (movie) franchise, I can answer the Iceland question.

      The writers had (of course) scripted it to be against the Soviets, but then that whole, you know, fall of Communism thing happened as they are making the movie (this was 1993-94 IIRC). Nervous about it not being realistic (I KNOW!), they changed the bad guy to Iceland.

      Not for nothing, but 13-year-old J.R. had a pretty serious crush on Julie “The Cat” Gaffney. Twenty-nine-year-old J.R. was upset to search her IMDB page to find out she did not end up in Cinemax movies.

  3. Duckbill

    March 24, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    Seriously, this many years after the team was founded and we’re still doing “Mighty Duck Disney LOL” jokes?

    -The Ducks won more playoff games in their last playoff run (7) than Nashville has in their entire history (6).

    -San Jose and Detroit called, they’re pulling for you guys so they don’t have to face us again.

    -We don’t really need to go out of our way to remind both Nashville fans west of Dollywood that we’ve won the Cup. We save that for the LA and San Jose Fans who get realllllllly cheesed off by that fact.

    -Congratulations on signing Mr. Carrie Underwood*. It’s the biggest hockey story to come out of Nashville since the Stanley Cup went to Carolina and got within 500 miles of your arena.

    -Say what you want about us, nobody talks about us being relocated to Canada.

    *disclaimer, for all the MR. Carrie Underwood jokes Mike Fisher is a terrific guy and any team would be lucky to have him, just not necessarily his contract.
    -

    • JR

      March 24, 2011 at 2:22 pm

      I got this.

      You know Dollywood is EAST of Nashville, right? So if there are only two fans west of Dollywood, that means that the other 17,111 people in the arena are driving from North Carolina.

      So maybe we should be talking about the Hurricanes moving to Canada?

  4. mollymcdeath

    March 24, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    Now now, don’t forget: Dan helps poor kids. That alone negates all of his moronic comments made on Twitter last summer and grants him “class” despite having so many problems. Poor Dan, poor poor-kids, poor Emilio Estevez.

  5. Mark Hollingsworth

    March 24, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    Perturbed, stick wielding mallards. That image always frightens me. I’m all a-quiver.