Pre-Game Smack Talk: Anaheim Ducks
- Updated: March 23, 2011
Gunnar Stahl Weeps For You
The team is named after a Disney movie. Not just any Disney movie – a Disney movie starring Emilio Estevez.
Naming a team after a vehicle for Charlie Sheen’s less successful brother? Duh…losing.
And while we’re on The Mighty Ducks. Have you ever noticed that the “Flying V” comes in offside every time? Every damn time. See here: he’s already crossed the blue line before the shot of him getting the puck. That means he’s a good foot or two offside when he gets the puck. There’s blood on your hands, Gordon Bombay.
Also, can we mention how insanely and totally illegal this play is?
Your team was named after a bunch of cheaters. A bunch of cheaters coached by a drunk.
Most other teams who win the Cup have fans that come from far and wide to remind you that they won the Stanley Cup and you did not.
Never once have a heard an Anaheim fan do this. Probably because I’ve never actually seen an Anaheim fan in the wild. In fact, I’ve never seen an Anaheim fan on the Internet. I know hockey fans are allowed to travel outside the state of California – I see Sharks fans in Nashville and I see Kings fans in Nashville. However, never once have I laid my eyes on a Ducks fan. I’m sure they exist though, because I’ve seen them on television.
They’re the kind of classy folk that do this when offered a free hockey stick by one of their players. That’s right – what better way to celebrate your victory and the visit by one of your players than to beat the living crap out of each other? These people are the ones in the high dollar seats. You can only imagine what kind of anarchic chaos occurs in the nether-regions of the Honda Center.
So either Anaheim fans don’t travel or they are so unobnoxious that you never notice them when they do. Since the latter is a lot less fun, I’m going to go with the first assumption – that Anaheim fans beat the crap out of each other so thoroughly at their own home games that they are either too hurt or too incarcerated to travel.
Specialists and Experts
Dan Ellis is too easy of a target. The former Predators goalie left Twitter in a blaze of…something…at the end of last season. He informed the world that he deserves his high salary because he is a specialist. He also informed the world that Paris Hilton is a specialist. Also, despite having such a high salary that he deserves, he does not make enough money and he worries about it. Also, he dislikes fans disagreeing with him and thinks that players on other teams are classless. Dan has lots of problems: Pekka Rinne, Escrow, GAA, the Eastern Conference, Jonas Hiller, Dwayne Roloson, Starbucks running out of Tibetan Yak milk, having to pay travel expenses for his butler twice in the last year…so we don’t feel like we should pick on a man with the problems that Dan has. So Dan, we’re going to let you off the hook… we won’t mention that you blatantly attacked fans on Twitter. We won’t mention that the only thing you specialized in during your last season in Nashville was sitting on the bench, watching Pekka play and saying, “Oh absolutely,” a lot. We won’t mention the idiocy of complaining about your finances to people who could take decades to make what you make in one year. We won’t mention any of that Dan, because we’re not classless…and we know how you hate people who are classless.
As for Andy Sutton…yes. Yes, I am an expert. Yes, I’m telling you.
You named your team after movies that featured the dude from Dawson’s Creek. Come on.