Introducing the Section303.com Guardian Project

section303large

Are you among the millions upon millions who are totally excited over the Guardian Project and think it’s the best thing that has ever happened in the history of the NHL?

Well…guess what? We at Section303.com have acquired the full list of Guardians…and we’re unveiling them to you here!

Click the link on each Guardian name to unveil his or her picture…and enjoy!

The Avalanche: The Avalanche protects Colorado by being both a truck and an SUV. It’s like a Transformer, except it doesn’t transform. And you have to drive it. And Megan Fox probably isn’t anywhere around, either.

The Blackhawk: The Blackhawk protects the citizens of Chicago by being a weaponized helicopter. It has guns and missiles. It is not a guy dressed as a bird because Stan Lee doesn’t understand that the team is named after a Native American and not a bird. Helicopter loaded with laser-guided missiles vs. bird guy. Your choice, Chicago.

The Blue: The Blue protects the citizens of St. Louis through his unique, special ability to seek out clues and solve puzzles. However, it has yet to solve the 43-year-old mystery of the Missing Stanley Cup.

The Blue Jackets: They protect the citizens from Columbus from the cold. More expensive versions have the unique superpower of water resistance. Also comes in Penguins varieties.

The Bruin: The Bruin protects the citizens of Boston from a lack of drunken revelry by “bruin” up a batch of Bostony goodness for fans. Superpowers include dry hopping and seasonal varieties. Okay, seriously, you try to do “Bruin” without sticking Bobby Orr or a bear on there.

The Canadien: Near, far, wherever you are, the Canadien will protect the city of Montreal through the shrill sound of its screeches.

The Canucks: The Canucks protect the city of Vancouver through their ability to shoot gas and identify gas-shooting villains.

The Capital: The Capital protects the city of Washington by identifying which words in a sentence are proper nouns. It also has the special ability to tell Washingtonians which words start sentences. He has the ability to morph into 26 different permutations. May have existed before Ovechkin, but no one in Washington ever witnessed it.

The Coyote: The Jet protects the citizens of Winnipeg through its stylish hair and desire to kiss Suzy Kolber.

The Devil: The Devil will protect the citizens of New Jersey by selling season tickets in Hamilton, Ontario, and offering to move the team there so that the New Jersey citizenry don’t have to worry about having a pesky hockey team in that new arena in downtown Newark. Oh, he hasn’t been to New Jersey…yet?

The Duck: The Duck protects the city of Anaheim by floating on water and making bathtime fun. It also has the special ability to absorb water and then shoot it out of its mouth when being squeezed.

The Flame: Like Captain Planet, The Flame consists of these ladies who combine forces to create an eternal flame. Do you understand? Do you feel their heart beating?

The Flyer: The Flyer is a pigeon. He’s a bird – so he flies, hence “Flyer”. His superpower is pooping while airborne. It doesn’t get more serious than that.

The Hurricane: The Hurricane protects the state of North Carolina by pummeling it with 100+ MPH winds. Its main superpower is making Jim Cantore appear.

The Islander: The Islander protects its fans from victories and common sense business decisions through the superpower of loneliness and lack of connection to the outside world.

The King: The King protects the city of Los Angeles by giving them their way, right away. If the citizens of the City of Angels want a break today, he’ll provide it.

The Lightning: The Lightning protects the citizens of Tampa Bay from errant pucks through a use of goalies. Instead of tentacles or arms, The Lightning is equipped with 4 goalies. Please note that the attached picture is an artist’s rendering of a 6-goalied Lightning.

The Maple Leaf: The Maple Leaf protects its city with its unique ability to travel with wind and fall from trees. It’s a pile of leaves. Seriously, what do you want here?

The Oiler: The Oiler protects his city through the use of his double eagle attack. He also has the special powers of “relocation” and “obliviousness”.

The Panther: The Panther cannot be seen, only smelled. Made from bits of real panther, it works 60 percent of the time every time.

The Penguin: It’s the Penguin. Seriously. He’s a Batman character. Did you think no one would notice this, Stan Lee?

The Predator: The Predator is just here to talk. Generally exits during the first round of questions. Why don’t you have a seat there?

The Ranger: The Ranger protects his city with his tears. Unfortunately, he never cries.

The Red Wing: The Red Wing protects the city of Detroit from bunions, blisters and other foot-related problems.

The Sabre: The Sabre protects the citizens of Buffalo by…well, it’s a lightsaber. You do the math. Often wielded by The Leafs to protect against The Devil.

The Senator: Protecting the city of Ottawa from slaving at traffic stops, the Senator uses his powers of speech to cast off any villains.

The Shark: Much like hockey teams in San Jose, the Shark protects its citizens through its unique ability to repeatedly choke in the clutch.

The Stars: Supposedly these people are Stars. They protect the citizens of Dallas from the lull between football season and football recruiting season through their superpowers of…um…well…err. Sorry, Dallas. Here’s a picture of Tom Landry.

The Thrasher: The Thrasher protects the city of Atlanta by providing all of the hottest skateboarding tips from November of 2003.

The Wild: The Wild protect the state of Minnesota by looking for American foxes while wearing their tight pants.

6 Comments

  1. DanDBradley

    January 3, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    Does the Canadien also protect the city from cop cars?

  2. janeqpublic

    January 3, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    You just MADE MY DAY with Chris Hansen.

  3. Pingback: OPISO » Puck Headlines: Devils drama for Brodeur, Parise; Toews returns

  4. Love#6Cannons

    January 3, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    These were so funny! I laughed out loud when I clicked on the Predator.

  5. HockeyBroad

    January 3, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    Weaponized helicopter for the Blackhawks? Make sure there’s a couple Tommy guns on board to pay tribute to the city’s gangster history, and you got yourself a Chicago superhero!

  6. Pingback: Puck Headlines: Devils drama for Brodeur, Parise; Toews returns « harveyrobb