Pre-Game Smack Talk: Vancouver Canucks


Vancouver…the Cuonzo Martin of hockey…

They’ve Never Won Anything

We’re going to go through a quick list here:

  • Henrik Sedin
  • Daniel Sedin
  • Markus Naslund
  • Trevor Linden
  • Pavel Bure
  • Roberto Luongo
  • Stan Smyl

What do all of these names have in common? If you guessed that this is potentially a list of the greatest players ever to play for the Vancouver Canucks, then you are half right. If you guessed that the players on this list have as many combined championships as David Legwand’s missing tooth, then you’ve hit the nail on the head.

The Canucks have won exactly zero championships since they entered the league in 1970. You wouldn’t know that from talking to their fans though, would you?

In fact, of the 6 Canadian teams, only the current incarnation of the Ottawa Senators and the Vancouver Canucks have never won a Stanley Cup. The Sens at least have an excuse of being a 90’s expansion team.

There’s the old saying telling you to “act like you’ve been there before”. Sorry, Vancouver, but I believe you’re not what they had in mind.

Rhymes With Hoover

There has been much ado made about the Predators’ inability to get out of the first round in the playoffs. However, very little is made of the fact that Vancouver has the same tendency to underperform in the big time.

Did you know that since 1994, the Canucks have not made it past the second round? Not one single time.  So the next time a Vancouver fan points out that the Preds haven’t made it out of the first round…ask them about the last time their team made it out of the second. Then ask them how the Preds did that year.

Second loser is still a loser.

(Vomiting Noise)

These exist.

Vancouver Did Not Invent The Towel

Vancouver fans did not invent the towel.

Vancouver fans did not invent waving items over their heads.

Vancouver fans did not invent waving towels over their heads.

The first incident of “Towel Power” occurred in 1982, exactly 7 years after the Pittsburgh Steelers didn’t invent the towel.

Regardless of whether or not Pittsburgh invented the towel, however, it is widely, widely, widely known that the Terrible Towel came into use in the 1970s. Rally towels existed before the Steelers used them, but one could make a pretty convincing argument that the Steelers brought them into the mainstream.

One thing is for certain – it didn’t start in Vancouver.


  1. Scott

    March 28, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    Not for nothing, but Western Kentucky University basketball coach E.A. Diddle was waving his (now famous) Red Towel on the sidelines as early as the 1930’s.

    So, no, it certainly did not originate in Vancouver.

    Suck it Canucks.

    Suck it hard, and suck it long

    Preds are riding this winning streak to the playoffs and beyond!

  2. John

    March 28, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    Awesome post.

  3. Cellblock 303

    March 28, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    Due to the inability of “Nuck” to comment without vulgarity, this comment has been moderated.

  4. Brian

    March 28, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    I love Canucks fans, I really do! They’re a lot like Detroit fans, without the success. This superiority complex they have is disturbing. Let’s look at the facts. Canucks scorers go into hiding once April comes around, and Luongo not only blows it in the playoffs, it’s like a blaze of glory the way he and the Nucks choke each year. I wonder if they’ll be anything like Wings fans tomorrow night, in that they will completely ignore the fact that the Preds have a winning record against them this season, and bring up some pointless fact about something that no one except them cares about. Of course, they can’t say anything about winning, seeing as they have he same number of Cups as the Preds, but have been around almost 30 years longer than the Preds. (Same goes for the Blues, Kings, Caps, Buffalo, and Jets/Coyotes)

  5. Mark Hollingsworth

    March 29, 2011 at 7:29 am

    Since you just alluded to it, Patten, I will spell it out clearly: Vancouver rhymes with Hoover, which means “You Suck.”

    The Sedin twins are two *click*, two *click*, two wimps in one. ; )

  6. Twitchy67

    March 29, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    As a canucks fan, I can say it. Awesome post man! You’re trash talk is all derivative and has been used by smelly flames fans for 10 years, but it was still great. You missed out on dissing our green men too; philadelphia invented that one. I was surprised that there was no mention about last year’s Hart and Art Ross winner and this years probably Art Ross and very possibly Hart winner being ‘sisters’ or ‘wimps’. But some genius in the comments got that one, so we’re good. Also, your coach’s hypnotically freaky eyebrows make up for any lack of entertainment your team provides, so u got that up on New Jersey. Anyways, here’s to a good game tonight. Hopefully for the benefit of fans of both sides the Canucks score first so we’re not subjected to 60 minutes of trap soccer.

  7. stevio51

    March 29, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    it is one of the weirdest logos in the nhl. what does a whale have to do with being canadian anyway?

    • Canadian

      March 30, 2011 at 3:06 pm

      What does a sabretooth tiger have to do with being from Nashville?

      Orcas are very common around Vancouver.

      *slow clap*

  8. 3-1

    March 29, 2011 at 11:17 pm

    “Preds are riding this winning streak to the playoffs and beyond!” haaaaahahaha

    So much hate for Canucks fans! The irony is fantastic. You accuse us of deluding ourselves about the Canucks, all the while deluding yourself by thinking it’s not painfully obvious to any hockey fan in Vancouver that we haven’t won in 40 years. We know. Believe me, we know.

    Remember, any idiot with computer and an avatar can reflect poorly on an entire fanbase (as you’ve so kindly demonstrated).

    All that aside though: much respect, Preds fans. It’s great to see a (relatively) new team with a strong fanbase in the states (no sarcasm).