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Zdeno Chara = Massive Lummox

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Speed, finesse, agility, and eye-to-hand coordination: all earmarks of the complete player in the modern National Hockey League. However, there are a select few that defy these characteristics, as well as voiding most of the laws of normal physicality. They are the All-Lummox Team.

Ahh…the joys of watching one of these mutated snails grunt up ice like some Clydesdale straining from a wagonload of iron kegs brimming with thick, Germanic ale. Why, I’ve actually seen some of them leave a wake in the frozen surface, rippling the walls and glass…even causing team mates to bob on the bench five seconds after they waddle by.

Since these bulldozing blunderbusses exhibit no discernable skill, it is pointless to assign them to particular positions. But here are the members of the 2010-2011 squad:

Derek “Behemoth” Boogaard 6’7”, 258 pounds

Hal “Goliath” Gill 6’7”, 255 pounds

Dustin “Dead Weight” Byfuglien, 6’ 4”, 257 pounds

Boris “Karloff as Frankenstein” Valabik 6’7”, 245 pounds

Andy “Clunk and Sputter” Sutton 6’6”, 245 pounds

And, of course, their captain, Zdeno “Lurch” Chara, 6’9”, 260 pounds. Let us ponder this elephantine stumblebum.

The Big Z is the prototype by which all lummoxes are measured. He has the turning radius of a steamroller. He prefers to make three left turns instead of one right. His coaches time him with a sundial. They take sequence photos of him “in action” with a Polaroid camera.

When proponents say this ungainly dolt covers a lot of ice, they must mean like a ten gallon bucket of molasses spilling and coagulating. In the time it takes this bungler to skate between the blue lines Michelangelo finished the Sistine Chapel. He should have a disclaimer on his jersey stating, “Allow four to six weeks for delivery.”

Z.C. doesn’t so much skate as he swerves. He’s oafish klutz that makes William “The Refrigerator” Perry look like Baryshnikov; a side of beef with mittens. His Lou Grant-like grace and strychnine-laden cognitive skills complete a truly monolithic figure. He has been dubbed “The Duke of Deceleration,” “Sir Syrup,” and “Lord Lumpish of Slowatonia.” Andre the Giant could sprint from here to Ashtabula faster than Chara could get back to the bench after a wheeze-fest known as his shift.

This frumpy Philistine has the same proportions as a piano box, and demonstrates his Gibraltar-like nimbleness with mind-numbing regularity. It’s hard to believe that this lumpish dunderhead beat out 100,000 other sperm. He’s become known as the antecedent of speed, and was recently seen sinking in the ice while “idling.”

Lulu Roman water skiing with cinder blocks on her feet is more athletic. He is so slow that coaches have to drive stakes into the ice to measure his progress. Simply put, he is punishingly sluggish. He has been nominated as the Presidential candidate for the Lubber-tarian Party. Z-man’s quickness has been compared to that of a receding glacier. Slower than Star Jones on a treadmill. Beefy Garth Brooks puts on his skin-tight Levis with more ease. Tumbleweeds roll uphill faster. If he were any slower, he would be in reverse. Fans are often seen wearing earplugs to muffle the screeches of his skates grinding cavernous grooves through the ice to the concrete below.

With Chara and his Boston Bruins making a visit to Smashville this Thursday, I thought it only appropriate to give Predators fans some pointers on things to yell at this hulkish boor as he oozes past:

-I heard you tried to get an all-over tan, but the sun burned out.

-I bet you use pillowcases for socks.

-You must eat biscuits like they’re Tic-Tacs.

-When you go swimming you must leave stretch marks on the pool.

-Instead of Levi’s 501 Jeans, you wear Levi’s 1,002’s.

-Your driver’s license says, “Photo continued on other side.”

-I bet you eat soup out of a satellite dish.

-When you went to the beach, Greenpeace tried to drag you back into the water.

-When you dance, I bet you make the band skip.

-I bet when you take a bath, the water level in the toilet rises.

-You’re pullin’ the moon out of orbit.

-I’m guessing your shadow weighs a hundred pounds.

-When you get on an elevator, it HAS to go down.

-I bet your cereal bowl has a lifeguard.

-I’ve heard you have to iron your pants in the driveway.

-On a scale of 1 to 10, you’re a 747.

-You’re so slow you have to speed up to stop.

-When you take your jersey to the cleaners, they said “Sorry, we don’t do drapes.”

-Move around…you’re tilting the ice!

-When you ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

-If you weighed five more pounds you could qualify for a Group Rate.

-You wear a watch on both arms—one for each time zone.

So, with all the love and respect we can muster, let us greet this Commandant of the All Lummox Team with the gargantuan glory that he deserves when he take the ice against the Predators this Thursday.

Photo Credit: Bridget Samuels via Flickr/Creative Commons

3 Comments

  1. darrell a. harris

    March 16, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    I’m no hockey-head . . . but don’t need to be to get some chuckles here. I have been Mark’s guest in 303 and it’s hard to have any more fun and be on the right side of the law~

  2. Cornelius H

    March 17, 2011 at 8:11 am

    In Boston we had a Season Ticket Holder Q+A with some players and this little girl asked Chara “How big are you?” and he answered “Really big”

  3. Phillip Alter (@piratesneedlove)

    March 17, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    “-On a scale of 1 to 10, you’re a 747.”

    BWAHAHAHA. I approve.