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Getting to Know Your Ducks

With the series against the Ducks starting tonight, it seemed like a good time to help everyone familiarize themselves with Anaheim’s roster:

Francois Beauchemin: Set an NHL record earlier this season by becoming the 500th player to be traded for Joffrey Lupul.

Matt Beleskey: Quite possibly Dan Ellis’ least favorite player on the team due to wearing #39. Probably also hates Starbucks, loves escrow.

Jason Blake: Has played 24 career playoff games. 21 of them were with the Islanders. No, that actually did happen.

Nick Bonino: Got wedgies from Colin Wilson while attending Boston U.

Sheldon Brookbank: Not even the best Brookbank to ever play for the Predators – that honor goes to Sheldon’s brother Wade. Rumor has it that “Brookbank” is actually derived from a Native American word meaning “healthy scratch”.

Kyle Chipchura: One of the 31 flavors at Baskin Robbins, I recommend Kyle Chipchura in a waffle cone.

Dan Ellis: Never heard of him.

Ray Emery: Is from Hamilton, Ontario. I repeat, Ray Emery is from Hamilton, Ontario.

Cam Fowler: His name is FOWLer and he plays for the Ducks. You can’t write this stuff…

Ryan Getzlaf: Wants readers to know that he is not balding, he is just taller than his hair.

Jonas Hiller: Spends far too much time in the neutral zone for a goalie.

Saku Koivu: Even Anaheim fans think he still plays in Montreal.

Andreas Lilja: Not much is known about him, since he ran screaming from the room when someone said, “Shea Weber.”

Toni Lydman: Came to the Ducks from the Sabres in exchange for not having the most feminine name on the team.

Todd Marchant: Quite possibly the best player named Todd Marchant on the Ducks.

Brandon McMillan: Part of the husband/wife crime solving duo, McMillan & Wife. Played by Rock Hudson.

George Parros: Has a mustache. That’s about the extent of his hockey ability.

Corey Perry: Katy’s older, less attractive sister. Known as a grinder, has recently become quite attuned at finding the net…probably because goalies refuse to look at her face.

Jarkko Ruutu: The Ruutu brothers are like the dollar store version of the Sedin twins.

Bobby Ryan: Notable for his expertise in words that rhyme with “duck” and for his recurring guest appearances in Eklund trade rumors.

Luca Sbisa: Spends his summers carving the little toothpicks that go into your knives. You’re welcome, America.

Dan Sexton: Played 18 games last season in the ECHL, so you know he’s good.

Teemu Selanne: After the retirement of Chris Chelios last year, is the only remaining player from hockey’s paleolithic era.

Andy Sutton: Most certainly, 100 percent completely an expert. No word on whether he ever saw the replay, however.

Lubomir Visnovsky: His nickname is “Lube”. Insert your own joke.