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Know Your Canucks

With the series against the Canucks starting soon, it seemed like a good time to help everyone familiarize themselves with Vancouver’s roster:

Andrew Alberts: Surprised many fans this season when he revealed that he had not played for Boston in 3 years.

Keith Ballard: Quite possibly the gamechanger in this series, due to his propensity to cheap shot his own goalie.

Kevin Bieksa: Dan Hamhuis’ defensive partner is historically the most popular player on any team.

Alexandre Burrows: Alex Burrows makes Corey Perry look like Pavel Datsyuk. He has about as much class as John Wall’s spring semester at Kentucky. Burrows is also a hall of fame ball hockey player…insert your own joke.

Alexander Edler: Is practically the third Sedin, he tells people on Internet message boards.


Tanner Glass: A  fighter with the last name of Glass. I guess it’s better than being named “Tanner Can’t-Take-a-Punch”.

Dan Hamhuis: According to Canucks fans, he is the missing link to their Stanley Cup hopes and dreams. Clearly this is based off of all his previous playoff success.

Jannik Hansen: Is from Denmark. He was the first Danish person to score in the NHL. Clearly hockey cannot succeed in Scandinavia.

Chris Higgins: Is not Patrick Marleau. Please stop asking him.

Cody Hodgson: Will most likely not play during this series, as all games will be past his bedtime.

Ryan Kesler: Is seriously right behind you. Just move away slowly.

Maxim Lapierre: Like Martin Erat, he was on the receiving end of a Jarkko Ruutu elbow to the head. Unlike Martin Erat, no one accused Ruutu of going after a good player when he hit Lapierre. 

Roberto Luongo: Was traded away by the Islanders and the Panthers. I repeat, he was traded away by the Islanders and the Panthers, meaning that the Islanders and Panthers felt that their situations improved with the departure of Roberto Luongo.

Victor Oreskovich: Best known for his appearance in this blog post.

Mason Raymond: Was once injured by Keith Ballard. Sense a pattern here?

Aaron Rome: His only goal as a Canuck was against the Predators. The goalie was “Empty Net”. He’s going to be a little surprised by Pekka Rinne.

Rick Rypien: Was seriously only trying to give the fan a hug. Seriously.

Sami Salo: There is no truth to the rumor that “Salo” is Finnish for “Injured Reserve”. Also, Sami Salo injured his shoulder while reading that last sentence and will be day-to-day with “Sami Salo-like” symptoms.

Mikael Samuelsson: After winning a Stanley Cup in Detroit, signed in Vancouver so he could find out what it was like to feel despair.

Cory Schneider: Attended the Phillips Academy in Massachussetts. Famous Phillips Academy alumni include Bill Belichick, both President Bushes, JFK Jr., Samuel Morse, Dr. Benjamin Spock, and Bill Veeck. None of them have won a Stanley Cup Playoff game either.

Daniel Sedin: See Henrik Sedin.

Henrik Sedin: See Daniel Sedin.

Jeff Tambellini: His mom says that he’s really good.

Raffi Torres: Came out of virtually nowhere in 2006 to score 27 goals during the Oilers’ improbable march to the Stanley Cup Final. Promptly returned to nowhere two years later when he was traded to Columbus.


  1. Shane cook

    April 27, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    The Nashville predators can blow me!!!

  2. David Sullivan

    April 27, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    That was original… Are you related to Dane?

    Oh, wait, I’ve got it!
    Aren’t the Canucks the ones with blow holes?


  3. Andy Pace

    April 27, 2011 at 1:49 pm


    Another gem, Patten. Keep them coming and GO PREDS!

  4. Travis Gellinger

    April 27, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    I think he misspelled his name, I think he meant Shame Cook

  5. Sak

    April 27, 2011 at 11:31 pm

    Shane, I’m sure 303 would love to get an experience with the smallest blowhole in the world.

  6. silverpie

    April 28, 2011 at 9:02 am

    Let me know if you want any help taunting Luongo in his own language…

  7. Famous Jon

    April 28, 2011 at 11:34 am

    Doesn’t anyone else find it very ironic that Hammer’s return to Nashville will be on a … TUESDAY NIGHT? I guess he’s expecting about 500 fans sitting on their hands while listening to some Country AND Western on their Walkman… Welcome back to Tuesday night hockey in Nashville, Danny Boy!

  8. Stevio51

    April 28, 2011 at 11:46 am

    A dolphin from the gulf coast and said, “damn Luongo’s hair is greasy.”

  9. Bryan

    April 28, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    Hey Preds nation, diehard Canuck fan here, congrats on making the second round! Hope its a good series, I think it’s going to be a very physical series and I’m glad you guys are getting Erat back. Its always more fun without skilled guys being injured. This series will go at least 6 games for whatever team wins. I hope hockey gets a boost in Tennessee from this playoffs and this series. Good luck Preds fans it’s going to be a great series!!

    • Patten Fuqua

      April 28, 2011 at 4:01 pm

      Thanks for stopping by, Bryan! Don’t be offended by anything we post for the next week and a half or so…it’s nothing personal – just what we do.

  10. Bryan

    April 28, 2011 at 11:11 pm

    It’s all good, i actually got quite a laugh from your descriptions of Canuck players :p
    Wow your goalie is seriously good. Nashville will be in the playoffs every year of he can play his career like this, impressive!

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